Discover how Lucy grappled with her marriage.
I don’t know, I just do not know what to do. I love and care for him so deeply. But I’m not even sure this was right to begin with. I feel confused. Did we marry for the right reasons? He was so charming, yet stable and loyal. I trusted him with my heart. And I always knew he would be there. He treated me better than any man has ever treated me. And now, I just don’t know if this is right anymore.
Sometimes, I feel he doesn’t understand me. But other times, I see him trying so hard to make this work. I love him; I do. But I think he deserves to be with a woman that truly wants what he wants. And you know what? I think I deserve to be with a man that wants what I want too. Body. Mind. Soul. We are so incredibly different in that regard; and what we want from this life, honey, it couldn’t be polar opposites.
We were so young when we got married. Ha! At the time I didn’t think so! But I had no guidance. I was doing the best I could. No one ever taught me how to choose a mate and what really matters. Trust, loyalty, stability – they are all great qualities. And he is a wonderful father; my sweet little boy couldn’t have a better daddy. But what about the rest? I want to build a life with someone, not just co-exist.
Could it be the way our life is setup right now? Is it merely the environment? I feel so confused and exhausted. Every day, I wake up and commute almost three hours to and from an uninspiring job. THREE hours a day in a car. THREE! That is fifteen hours a week. That is practically the average amount of waking hours in a day! Do you know what one could do in those fifteen hours? A lot. Let me tell you. A. LOT.
And I crave creativity. I want to serve by way of food, to use my hands to create and to teach others what I have learned! Food can heal!! Sometimes he gets it; but other times he doesn’t. He is generally content. He likes everything just the way it is. But it’s eating me alive. Ha! My distance from my passion around FOOD is literally EATING me alive.
I can’t keep this up but I’m also not ready to give up. I can’t deny that I care for him deeply. I’m just not sure what to do right now. I feel confused. I do love him. But if I stay, will we continue to co-exist forever or will things change? And if I leave, will life be better for both of us or could it end up worse?